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Jeff Bezos Sexts Like a Goddamn Robot

Amazon CEO, and definitely a real human man, Jeff Bezos, has been in the news a LOT recently due to his high profile divorce, alleged affair, and now... this.


According to National Enquirer, these are actual texts that a GROWN ASS MAN sent his lover. 

This is real life. Gird your loins.

I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.

I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in. I want to hold you tight.… I want to kiss your lips…. I love you. I am in love with you.

Look, when you make a bajillion dollars every minute, you can pretty much sext whatever you want and it'll be met with enthusiasm if that person thinks they're getting a slice of that financial pie. 

HOWEVER, what in the world happened in Bezos' life that THAT is how he seduces women? What kind of trauma results in that? 

This makes me believe in that conspiracy theory where people high up in government and social class are secretly lizards with human skin suits.

"ALIVE GIRL"????????? Where's the thought process there? He legitimately sounds like an alien who is trying to get a human specimen to bring back to his home planet for experiments, and is so pumped at the prospect of getting her back alive that he can't help but let that weird crap slip into his conversation. 

Jeff Bezos, you are a bizarre (alleged) human.

Unless you wanna send me money, in which case you're totally normal and downright charming, and don't listen to the haters. 

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